Guide To Owning An L4D Character
by DestineyTot
Summary: You -insert name here- have just puchased a -insert L4D character here- and is having trouble with it. If so, then this is the guide for you, my friend.
1. ELLIS

**You, my friend, have just purchased an Left 4 Dead character. You must have saved up numerous pennies and done tons of chores. Congradulations. You may pat yourself on the back.**

**You have purchased - ELLIS**

**1. **Your ELLIS is a chatterbox and will talk excessivly. We advise that you don't keep your ELLIS around NICKs for long periods of time.

**2. **Your ELLIS will worship a man in a jumpsuit and 4 biker-rejects now band members. Don't be alarmed. This is perfectly normal.

**3. **Your ELLIS will attempt to have a relationship with a ZOEY. Don't worry. An eventual NICK will sabotage any chances of this happening.

**4. **Your ELLIS is an optimist, so don't be weirded out if he's smiling all the time. It's not because he wants to rape you...or is it?

**5. **Your ELLIS is prone to dragging a KEITH into your home. We advice that you call the cops if this ever happens. ELLIS needs to advoid prolonged exposure to KEITHs.

**6. **Your ELLIS will continually try to win the attention of any nearby NICKs and will continue to do so for long periods of time. We advise that if you do not approve of this, keep your ELLIS away from any NICKs.

**7. **Your ELLIS will function happily if there is a MIDNIGHT RIDER around. We strongly advise buying a MIDNIGHT RIDER extension pack for prolonged happiness.

**8. **The same goes for the JIMMY GIBBS JR. extension pack.

**9. **Your ELLIS might try to fix old, broken cars in your neighborhood. Do not be alarmed. This is normal for him.

**10. **Your ELLIS loves amusements parks and will function happily if you take him to one every 6 months. (This is doctor reccomended)

**Extension Packs For - ELLIS**

MIDNIGHT RIDER extension pack (will make your Ellis happier, but expect lots of rock&roll)

JIMMY GIBBS JR. extension pack (WARNING: Do not buy the ZOMBIEFIED JIMMY GIBBS JR. extension pack as this will result in extreme depression)

The I WANNA PLEASE NICK'S ASS extension pack (will result in your ELLIS parading around all day, trying to do whatever pleases a NICK)

**FAQ for - ELLIS**

**Q **My ELLIS keeps running around saying, "Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around." What do I do?

**A **This is perfectly normal. Let him do as he pleases. Or, if it bothers you too much, tell that the band is a fake and lip-synchs. That'll shut him up.

**Q **My ELLIS is acting all weird and nervous and keeps asking me if he should leave his hat on or off. What's wrong?

**A **There is most likey a ZOEY around. We advise buying a NICK to put your ELLIS in his place. Works everytime.

**Q **My ELLIS won't stop telling me stories about some weird guy! WHAT DO I DO?

**A **There is obviously a hidden KEITH somewhere in your house. Call the cops. Immediatly.

**Q **My ELLIS keeps cussing me insanely and is making me suicidal...what's wrong with him?

**A **OOPS! We must've accidently installed a NICK hardrive into your ELLIS. Return him to us and we'll repair him immediatly.

Left 4 Dead belongs to VALVe

All REAL tweeks and questions about the game go to VALVe

This is a parody. Nothing more.

**OTHER CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES**

NICK

ROCHELLE

COACH

ZOEY

BILL

LOUIS

FRANCIS

KEITH

HUNTER

WITCH

**And many more to come! Keep an eye out for others!**


	2. NICK

**You, my friend, have just purchased an Left 4 Dead character. You must have saved up numerous pennies and done tons of chores. Congradulations. You may pat yourself on the back.**

**You have purchased - NICK**

**1. **Your NICK is a resident pessimist and asshole and will do everything in his power to piss you off. We advise not buying the NICK model if you suffer from anger management.

**2. **Your NICK will try to put down any nearby ELLISs. Do not be alarmed. This is normal.

**3. **One thing you must remember above all things...your NICK is not amused.

**4. **God, your NICK loves tits.

**5. **Don't be worried if your NICK disappears for a few days. He is a gambler and conman, so he is undoubtedly hiding from someone he conned. If someone comes to your house seeking your NICK, you must say that you know no NICKs and have never heard of any NICKs.

**6. **Your NICK will function happily if there is a casino around. We recommend him to anyone living near Atlantic City, Las Vegas, or Reno.

**7. **Your NICK does not like a vest wearing biker named FRANCIS. It is advised that you keep your NICK seperated from any FRANCISs.

**8. **It is completely normal for any nearby ELLISs to worship your NICK. This is okay. Your NICK loves the attention.

**9. **Your NICK has tourettes syndrome so, naturally, has a filthy mouth. We advise that if your Christian, do not buy a NICK model as he will swear up and down to god.

**10. **Your NICK will function semi-happily (as he can never be fully pleased) if you have bought the PEELZ extension. Just as any LOUIS, your NICK loves his PEELZ.

**Extension Packs for - NICK**

PEELZ extension pack (may result in hallucinary effects, so don't freak out if he's running around yelling about the trash bags walking)

The I-HATE-ANYTHING-ELLIS-LOVES extension pack (will result in continuous bashing of MIDNIGHT RIDERs and JIMMY GIBB JRs and a sad ELLIS)

CONMAN extension pack (Is already included. Hide your money and don't believe a damn thing he says)

The YAOI extension pack (will inevitably result in a lemon with ELLIS. Highly recommended for fangirls)

**FAQ for - NICK**

**Q **My Nick is cussing me and blaming me for everything and is making me depressed. How do I handle this?

**A **Fight fire with fire. Be an asshole back, as this offends him to no end.

**Q **I keep hearing strange moans coming from NICKs room. Uh...what's going on?

**A **Did you buy the YAOI extension? It's probably just an ELLIS then.

**Q **I keep finding that most of my stuff has gone missing. What's happening here?

**A **Your NICK is most likely pawning your stuff off in poker games. We made it well known that your NICK has a gambling addiction. But you can always seek proffesional help (though we doubt that'll work)

**Q **My NICK is...acting all weird towards me. He's keeps smiling and saying "I'll make it worth your while." I'm scared...

**A **DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT give in. He is obviously trying to win you over for something and is showing false affection. Also, if you value your virginity...

Left 4 Dead belongs to VALVe

All REAL tweeks and questions about the game go to VALVe

This is a parody. Nothing more.

**OTHER CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES**

NICK

ROCHELLE

COACH

ZOEY

BILL

LOUIS

FRANCIS

KEITH

HUNTER

WITCH

**And many more to come! Keep an eye out for others!**


	3. FRANCIS

**You, my friend, have just purchased an Left 4 Dead character. You must have saved up numerous pennies and done tons of chores. Congradulations. You may pat yourself on the back.**

**You have purchased - FRANCIS**

**1. **Your FRANCIS hates you.

**2. **But he does not hate vests, my friend. Or killing zombies. Or any nearby ZOEYS for that matter.

**3. ** Your FRANCIS does NOT like the NICK or LOUIS models. We advise keeping them seperate.

**4. ** Your FRANCIS will try to win the heart of any nearby ROCHELLEs or ZOEYs. This is normal behaviour for him.

**5. **Your FRANCIS will shoot any nearby BILL model's beard.

**6. **Your FRANCIS hates STEAM...pipes...He hates pipes, okay? But not STEAM.

**7. **Your FRANCIS will function happily if you bought the GROOVY SHOTGUN extension pack, because shotguns are very 'groovy'.

**8. **Your FRANCIS hates friendly fire. ("Nice shot BILL! That was my ass!")

**9. **Your FRANCIS will get along well with any ELLISs, so long as JIMMY GIBBS JUNIOR isn't brought up. (O'yeah? That dog that sells tacos, right?)

**10. **And last, but not least, your FRANCIS has the most sissified death screams ever.

**Extension Packs for - FRANCIS**

GROOVY SHOTGUN extension pack (the name says it all. "Groooooovy...")

The PICK-ON-LOUIS extension pack (will result in continious bashing of everything Louis is/does/knows/supports/hates/eats/sleeps/tie/work/dress/PEELZ/more PEELZ...)

The SISSY SCREAM extension pack (will result in mind-numbingly hilarious, girly screams whenever he dies or gets hurt)

**FAQ for - FRANCIS**

**Q **My FRANCIS hates me...what can I do to change this?

**A **Well, you can always buy him a new vests...he likes those, don't he? Or you can try and hook him and Zoey/Rochelle up. He'll not love you for this, but will hate you slightly less. Does that work?

**Q **My FRANCIS keeps picking on my LOUIS...I just want them to get along! What do I do?

**A **Well...if you're a yaoi fan, you can always try to get them to elope. Though I doubt this will work...Sorry, but FRANCISs hate for LOUIS is an unstoppable force of nature.

**Q **I wanna have a tea party with my FRANCIS! How can I get him to comply?

**A **...You are an evil, evil person...

**Q **My Francis keeps asking me for Chocolate and is going bat-fuck insane over it. What's wrong?

**A **OOPS! We must've installed the COACH hardrive into your FRANCIS! Send him back and we'll repair him immediatly!

Left 4 Dead belongs to VALVe

All REAL tweeks and questions about the game go to VALVe

This is a parody. Nothing more.

**OTHER CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES**

NICK

ROCHELLE

COACH

ZOEY

BILL

LOUIS

FRANCIS

KEITH

HUNTER

WITCH

**And many more to come! Keep an eye out for others!**


	4. HUNTER

**You, my friend, have just purchased an Left 4 Dead character. You must have saved up numerous pennies and done tons of chores. Congradulations. You may pat yourself on the back.**

**You have purchased - HUNTER**

**1. **Your HUNTER likes to pounce people/things/anything that isn't what he is. So we advise keeping him on a leash.

**2. **Your HUNTER does not like dog-food. Don't feed him that nasty shit, for he is NOT a dog.

**3. **Your HUNTER will function happily if you have at least one tree in your yard, as he loves to climb things.

**4. **Your HUNTER can get lonely easy. Make sure to give him lots of attention and carry around a baggy of human fingers for treats!

**5. **To the contrary, HUNTERs are not like vampires.

**6. **Keep your HUNTER away from your neigbor's children. We are not responsible for any mauled children.

**7. **Your HUNTER will function happily if there are WITCHs around, as he likes the WITCH model.

**8. **Your HUNTER does not like it whenever any nearby FRANCISs call him "A hoody-wearing wussy".

**9. **Actually, it'd be a good idea just to keep your HUNTER away from any FRANCISs period.

**10. **SMOKER models are great play-buddies for your HUNTER!

**Enxtension Packs for - HUNTER**

POUNCE extention pack (We reccommend de-clawing your HUNTER if you want to buy this extension)

NINJA extension pack (Is already installed. How else does he manage gravity-defying feats and agility that good? KEEP HIM AWAY FROM PIRATES FOR THE **LOVE **OF GAWD!)

DRONE ZOMBIE extension pack (Will result in the undenying love for the WITCH model and complete servitude)

**FAQ for - HUNTER**

**Q **My HUNTER keeps jumping around the house and trying to kill my neighbor's kitten. Any solutions?

**A **Try a shock collar. That might answer your problem. Just keep batteries handy!

**Q **I feel like my HUNTER is overly agressive towards me and especially strangers. Help me, please.

**A **Well, you can always try and get him neautured. That works for other animals...

**Q** I did the above and now my HUNTER is depressed and eats way to much. What do I do now?

**A ***face palms* Are we supposed to solve EVERY problem of your's? Seriously, try solving something on your own for once.

**Q **Your an ass.

**A **...That is not a question. And we only have one thing to say to that. Nick? ..."ASS-CLOWN!"

**Q **PEELZ HEER!

**A **YOU ARE A DISTURBED INDIVIDUAL!

Left 4 Dead belongs to VALVe

All REAL tweeks and questions about the game go to VALVe

This is a parody. Nothing more.

**OTHER CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES**

NICK

ROCHELLE

COACH

ZOEY

BILL

LOUIS

FRANCIS

KEITH

HUNTER

WITCH

**And many more to come! Keep an eye out for others!**


	5. LOUIS

**You, my friend, have just purchased an Left 4 Dead character. You must have saved up numerous pennies and done tons of chores. Congradulations. You may pat yourself on the back.**

**You have purchased - LOUIS**

**1. **Puh-puh-puh PEELZ HEER!

**2. **Make sure you have plenty of the above statement for your LOUIS.

**3. **Your LOUIS does not get along with the FRANCIS model. Please be sure to keep these two seperated.

**4. **Your LOUIS likes to play CounterStrike. ("Hey, this is JUST like CounterStrike!")

**5. **Your LOUIS gets along well with the ELLIS model, seeing how they both seem to shit rainbows even though its pretty much the end of the human race...

**6. **Your LOUIS is a team-killing-fucktard. Always _ALWAYS _watch your back, for you never know when he might turn on you.

**7. **Your LOUIS might become dillusional and hallucinate that things are poppig out of the shadows and zombies are walking around. Disreguard his behaviour, as this is a natural side-effect of taking too many PEELZ!

**8. **Your LOUIS may sense peelz, your LOUIS may smell peelz...hell...your LOUIS may even see peelz! But...THERE ARE NO PEELZ!

**9. **No, adrenaline IS NOT a substitute for peelz. This will only anger your LOUIS and make him turn into a Grue and eat you.

**10. **Grabbin' PEELZ! Gr-Gr-Grabbin' PEELZ!

**Extension Packs for - LOUIS**

PEELZ extension pack (Results in hallucinations, illusions, and Louis sniffing around you're house for EVEN MOAR PEELZ!)

The ISTFGTAPAHS (I-Swear-To-Fucking-God-There-Are-Peelz-Around-Here-Somewhere) Extension pack (self explanatory)

The ELLIS-CLONE extension pack (will result in a overly cheerful, optimistic LOUIS, even though you guys are probably completely fucked)

**FAQ for - LOUIS**

**Q **My LOUIS is on the ground on all fours sniffing like a dog. I asked him what he's doing, but he just keeps telling me that he's sniffing for witches and shit. Um...help?  
**A **He's lying to you. He's actually sniffing for MOAR PEELZ! But for your sake, pretend you don't even notice. This way, he won't murder you in your sleep tonight.

**Q **My LOUIS won't stop playing CounterStrike and I wanna play L4D already! How do I make him give me a turn?  
**A **Just explain to him that his life and creation is nothing but a lie made up by VALVe and that his existence in this world has absolutely no meaning whatsover. That'll make him give you a turn.

**Q **My LOUIS won't get along with my FRANCIS and I just want them to-  
**A **Refer to FRANCIS manual guy FAQ. This question was already answered. (Pshhh, fangirls...)

**Q **My LOUIS is depressed and won't talk to me about anything. He won't come out of his room and he won't eat...what's wrong with him?  
**A **Has he had his daily does of PEELZ yet? If not, we advise supplying him with a bottle...or 2...hundred. Oh well! See you in Peelz Heaven, bitch!

Left 4 Dead belongs to VALVe

All REAL tweeks and questions about the game go to VALVe

This is a parody. Nothing more.

**OTHER CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES**

NICK

ROCHELLE

COACH

ZOEY

BILL

LOUIS

FRANCIS

KEITH

HUNTER

WITCH

**And many more to come! Keep an eye out for others!**


End file.
